gothic design

************************

In response to the question: is there a tantra of the masochistic experience?

Yes. It is found in the insomnia of the unloved.
The dark thoughts- those which say no, it hurts, I don’t accept- invade, dampening the fibers of the mind beyond recognition. They evade dissection, because they are unique and certain in their assertions, circling about like animals recently escaped from the zoo, many prepared to bite. They saturate the dreaming mind into wakeful-ness; leave it to silent watching, calmly resentful, protecting the peaceful sleeper. I give you my lack of grace. I rewrite my love letters.

My mind writes scripts for violent films shot in the half -light of nature in which the tears answer blood and bruises rather than silence or absence.

And yes, with no insult to modesty or chastity, it’s always sexual, in the same way that eating is always shitting, always participation in the yes of decomposition, touching you is always complete, always could end in any kind of surrender.
I would suffer for you: gets longer rather than shorter as the months pass.

It’s sexual because I feel you in my body even when you haven’t touched me for years, because I feel myself slowly accepting the rhythms of your breath with my body even in your absence. And in your presence I feel nothing but you, except for the moments in which I feel nothing but pain at your eternal absence. Not only sexual: metonymic, and maternal. My appreciation for the subtlety of your body, its warm completeness and beauty: the grace of being permitted to touch even your shoulder reverberates through my nerves as if you were touching me, building on the briefest yet most intense memories of physical dissolution, of feeling bone-less.

Please wake me up.